Two images of a mum carrying special needs 5 year old on her hip, left image of baby at 11 months old, right image of 5 year old child

I won't be able to carry him forever

I won't be able to carry him forever.

I won't be able to lift and carry my sweet little boy forever.

Both physically and emotionally.

One day this precious (almost) 5 year old will be a 16 year old young man who will be taller than me and triple my weight. With a 6ft 2 father, who could expect any less.

I carry him out of bed in the morning, I transfer him between the car and his wheelchair or the loungeroom couch. This a few of the several transfers we do throughout the day.

No little kid likes staying in one place too long.

In the evening I lift him into the bath and out again. A scary experience for both him and I. As he curls up into a ball as he hates the cold, I carry him like a newborn into the lounge, wrapped in towels. A familiar pain in my lower back arises but I hold my breath until I safely place him down onto the floor before getting him dressed.

Currently he's over half my height and almost half my body weight.

Having a non mobile child makes me want to carry him forever.

But one day I won't be able to lift him.

It's a tough pill to swallow that my baby isn't my little baby anymore, he is a growing child.

He is only going to get bigger.

I don't want to rely on hoists or lifting machines. If I choose to use a hoist, it's only going to isolate us even further from the world outside our home.

Daily, people gasp at me holding him on my hip with his little legs dangling almost to my knees as we walk down aisles of supermarkets or cafes.

The gasps usually followed up with 'Far out, watch your back' or 'You won't be able to do that much longer'.

Its a never ending mental fight of which route to take for the future.

How long will I be able to lift my beautiful boy?

It's become second nature to me and those around me but recently I've noticed less friends and family being able to pick him up, as they once did when he weighed less than 20kg.

I forget how big and strong he has grown until I'm reminded by someone, as they mention his recent growth spurt or how his chubby cheeks are thinning as he grows older.

I remember complaining when he was a few months old, complaining of my arms aching as I rocked him to sleep. How naive I was.

A year ago, I bought a hospital bed that has a high low function. This was to help with lifting Lloyd in and out of bed.
It's hard not to feel defeated when walking into his room and lifting him in or out if a hospital bed, in our home.

One day I won't be able to lift him.

But today isn't that day. I will cherish these moments for as long as I can, because he will always be my little boy.


July 2022

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